a covid-19 gnash-up

apologies once more to Ogden Nash

SO it seems we're in the midst of an epidemic, or officially a pandemic,

Though the difference is rather academic.

It just means that lots and lots of us are going to get it,

That is, if you haven't already met it.

The symptoms are a dry cough and high fever

You can get both or you can get eiver

And you can also feel woozy and drowsy and weak as well

(Think the worst party ever where you wake up feeling like hell).

But I should make something of an apology

About the terminology:

I've been calling it coronavirus,

This disease of the coughers and perspirers,

But that's just me being a wise guy

Because that's just the name of a group of viri.

And nor is Covid-19 the name of the disease.

That's what you should call the pandemic, please.

Although I think that's less engaging a name – don't you? –

Than Mad Cow Disease or Spanish Flu.

No, the actual virus is SARS-CoV-2:

Who knew?

So now we're all on lockdown, and for some that's not pleasant.

We're all avoiding each other like the plague that's omnipresent.

We're all at home thinking of things to do, drinking endless cups of tea,

Playing games and making crafts and writing poetry.

Let's hope in a few months it's all behind us and the world is once more clean

And we'll hear no more of the dreadful scourge of Covid-19.

lockdown song

Some weeks back we were told

The disease had got a hold

So we all must stay at home it seems all day.

But it really is obscene

What it's done, Covid-19,

And the rules we must adhere to and obey.

I've always suffered bad from claustrophobia

But now I'm forced inside by these microbia.

I've had enough of cooking

And reading all cook books.

I've had enough of looking

At my fast fading looks.

I've cleaned from top to bottom

All the corners and the nooks.

The lockdown is a bloody awful pain.

 

A friend told me it's nicer

To be at home,

But I replied: 'O why, sir?

I'd rather roam!'

I tried my hand at painting

Got splatter dashed with paint;

Tried online entertaining:

I'm good at that? I ain't!

And now I end up fainting:

I'm needing some restraint.

The lockdown is a dreadful, dreadful strain.

For me, I hate this lockdown:

I'm going mad.

These walls I'd rather knock down:

It's rather sad.

I've taken up with knitting –

I ended up with knots.

I spend all day just sitting:

My brain has gone to pot.

I think I'll end up slitting

My wrists because I'm shot:

The lockdown is just driving me insane.

Some day we will be told

The disease has lost its hold

And finally we're free the livelong day.

No more need for moping:

The shops will all be open

And the rules will be torn up and thrown away.

But agony for me will not be over-er,

'Cos by then I will have got agoraphobia.

I'll love my little dwelling –

Its four walls suit me well.

Anxiety they're quelling:

Outside just seems like hell.

There really is no telling

What horrors cast their spell.

The lockdown is just doing in my brain –

And I'll never ever

Not forever

(Lockdown will my brain dissever)

Never ever be the same again!

Because of lockdown –

I'll never ever be the same again!