it couldn't happen here

This is based on what would happen if a nuclear incident with the same

severity as Fukushima happened in the more heavily populated area 
around Dungeness

Day 1

“Large-scale military movements in the Romney Marsh area last night were described today by a Ministry of Defence spokesperson as a ‘routine contingency exercise’ taken to test defences against terrorists entering the country illegally. Over to our defence correspondent, Caroline Wyatt.”

“It is unusual for military manoeuvres to be undertaken suddenly and at night with no prior warning. Local residents have reported hearing loud bangs from the direction of the Dungeness nuclear power station…”
 

Day 2

“Pictures have emerged of military vehicles passing through Lydd, near Dungeness. Local resident Bryan Perkins, who filmed this on his mobile, reports that troop carriers and light armoured vehicles moved at speed and forcibly stopped local traffic movements. All flights in and out of Lydd Airport have been cancelled and the area remains closed to anyone except residents, who have been told to remain in their homes. This is no routine exercise that I’ve ever seen. But the government remain tight lipped about the situation…”
 

Day 3

“Downing Street has just announced that the Prime Minister will be making a statement at Number Ten shortly. These pictures are live from Downing Street. There’s the podium… It is now clear that what the Government was until last night insisting was a routine training exercise was in fact a full-scale, very real anti-terrorist action. It is believed to involve Dungeness nuclear power station. And – here’s the Prime Minister now.”

“Good morning. As you will by now be aware, a serious incident has occurred at Dungeness power station. Two nights ago, a group of terrorists attacked and took control of a part of the complex for a time. We were able to put into effect a contingency plan to rapidly re-take control of the power station, which, thanks to the swift action of our armed forces, was achieved with minimal damage. Unfortunately, though, the terrorists did cause some damage before our troops arrived. British Nuclear Fuels Limited, the operators of Dungeness, assure me that they will rapidly have the situation under control at the plant. COBRA has been meeting regularly. Purely as a precaution, we have decided to evacuate the immediate area. You will understand that this needed to be done in utmost secrecy, but we will issue more details as soon as we can.”

“Well, what struck me, Hugh, was what he didn’t say. Where are the terrorists now? And you will have noticed the phrase ‘they will rapidly have the situation under control.’ To me, that says it’s not under control yet. Is that the terrorist situation or the nuclear situation. Word I’m getting privately is that real damage has been done to the plant; and the precautionary evacuation supports that.”

“And we’re going over live to Caroline Wyatt, at Romney. What can you see down there, Caroline?”

“Chris, we have seen lots of comings and goings, but the Army is maintaining a total exclusion zone over the whole Romney area. There has been a sense of confusion, with residents initially advised to evacuate, but then told to stay indoors and keep doors and windows closed. We have been told by residents trapped in the zone, that body bags have been seen on army lorries: presumably the terrorists…”

Day 4

“A clearer picture is emerging of the terrorist attack on Thursday night. It seems a group of suicide bombers took control of the site. They must have had an intimate knowledge of the operation and layout of the plant. It is thought at least one of them worked there. They took a number of hostages and forced them to drain the coolant from the reactors and spent fuel rod tanks. This has led to some damage to the fissile material, though it is not clear to what extent. Equipment was also damaged by explosions. The terrorists were able to keep hold of the main core areas and control room until the following day, but appear to have been taken out by special forces; and we understand there were some casualties in the army and among BNL staff at the plant.”
 

Day 5

“It’s now clear that the reactor core was damaged and may be cracked. There is a possibility according to off the record briefings that a very limited amount of radioactive material has escaped. Professor Bryant of the Nuclear Research Institute spoke to us earlier.”

“We thought the design of the reactor housing was bomb proof and even capable of withstanding a plane crashing on to it, but no-one envisaged a scenario where suicidal maniacs would take control and deliberately drain and vent the core, then blow up the supply pipes, even though this would jeopardise their own lives – not to mention the poor staff present in the building….”

“Reports are coming in from a hospital in Cheltenham, the base of the SAS, that some service personnel have been admitted with radiation sickness….”
 

Day 6

“With levels of radiation in the plant rising to such an extent that experts cannot approach the reactor core safely, residents have been asked to evacuate a 20km exclusion zone immediately, with those in a 30km zone asked to remain on standby, and to keep indoors.

“I’m here in Folkestone on the Hythe road, which is being evacuated now. I think it’s fair to say people are anxious and there has been some sense of controlled panic, but overall the mood remains calm.”

“Yes, the exclusion zone does make it sound like Fukushima. But this is not another Fukushima. The plant is completely different and built to higher standards. And it was clear the Japanese plant was not correctly managed, with more spent fuel on site than was meant to be stored. Also there was no power to replace the coolant for weeks, which meant they had to pump sea water in to the containment vessels. Here we have power and so on. Though there are reports of severe damage to the control equipment and supply pipes. The problem is really getting safe access when radioactivity is so high.”
 

Day 7

“Why it’s proving difficult to get on with repairs is that, with radioactive levels rising to over 100 millisiverts in the plant housing, workers can get a year’s safe dose of radioactivity within less than 15 minutes. There’s some very brave people down there. But the fact is that the situation is getting worse, and radiation levels are rising. David Shukman, at the Exclusion Zone cordon, BBC News.”

“The entire coastal area from the western suburbs of Folkestone nearly to Hastings has been evacuated, and Channel shipping has been forced to travel closer to the French coast. The government say that with the prevailing wind still from the east, it is still safe to use the M20, which is only about 18km from Dungeness at one point; but many drivers are avoiding this route. There was major gridlock today around the Kent village of Hawkinge, just north of Folkestone, where lorries were trying to get by a back road route to the Channel Tunnel.
 

Day 8

“Well yes, I admit, this was a scenario we never envisaged. But lessons will be learnt. There’s no chance of this happening at the new plants being designed now. This scenario will be factored in.”

“But weren’t experts like you saying exactly the same thing after Fukushima… and Chernobyl… and Three Mile Island?”

“Well, yes, and the problems there won’t ever happen again, Jeremy - they have been designed out…”

“And what about the next scenario you ‘never envisaged’?”
 

Day 9

“The French port authorities were today reported to be turning back some lorries with elevated radioactive levels. All traffic through the tunnel is now being checked, causing horrendous delays. With the M20 now closed after a change of heart by the Government, traffic is being forced to go through Folkestone and Dover to the M2.”
 

Day 10

“The Government Chief Scientific Advisor has today recommended that the exclusion zone is increased to 30km. This follows readings of increased levels of radioactivity in the sea and plutonium particles discovered in soil samples taken in the area. There are conflicting reports about the levels experienced. Professor Bryant of the NRI says that the location is consistent with a radioactive steam discharge from the plant which has produced an airborne plume…”

“There was a similar event at Windscale in 1957. The greatest risk is from milk and some vegetables as caesium tends to get concentrated into them, then ingested by animals or humans. As a precaution, milk, spinach and other produce from the entire counties of Kent and East Sussex is being destroyed…”

“Yes, Sian, we understand there were major rows in COBRA this morning as the full impact of a 30km evacuation zone sank in. It will mean evacuating the whole of Folkestone and Hastings and Ashford, maybe half a million people. The government simply wanted to avoid this at almost any cost. Just the sheer logistics of moving that many people is a challenge, never mind where to put them. A large number who can, have already left under their own steam, to stay with family or friends, but many can’t do so. There are over 20 hospitals in the area, old people’s homes, residential schools… the implications are frightening.”
 

Day 11

“Avoid the M2 and M25 as there are major tailbacks which may take days to clear, due in part to lorries abandoned near the exclusion zone. Evacuees are being advised to take the special trains laid on from Ashford and other mainline stations rather than driving themselves, and to travel with only one suitcase per person. Full details on this government website and in special hourly bulletins on Radio 4 long wave and Radio 4 Extra digital.”
 

Day 15

“…Readings have been as high as three thousand times recommended levels near the coast. All shipping has been diverted to a narrow zone of the Channel near Calais, and this is already impacting on the world’s busiest container shipping route, into Rotterdam, Felixstowe, and other British ports, with queues of ships building up either side of the bottle neck. Dover Harbour, a few miles outside the zone, is still operating normally, but the Channel Tunnel, whose portal is within the zone, is closed for the duration. DFDS Ferries have already diverted some of their ships to Southampton and Felixstowe, but there is not enough capacity to process all of the vehicles arriving in the UK daily. Food supplies have been dramatically affected and there are reports of panic buying of canned vegetables in some areas.”
 

Day 16

“The American State Department and the Japanese Foreign Ministry are advising all their citizens not to travel within 80km of Dungeness except on essential business, and particularly to remove children from this zone, which includes most of London. John Kerry said: ‘We have great sympathy for our dear friends in the UK in this terrible time. While we know that no-one is saying that London should be evacuated, we are advising American citizens not to go there unless they really need to, for the time being.’”

“… At Prime Minister’s Questions today, Mr Cameron, when asked about his comments said: ‘We understand their caution but the Chief Scientific Officer has advised that there is only minimal risk of an increase in cancer levels and that is spread over 25 years.’ He thanked the Opposition for their support. ‘Make no mistake. These are difficult times. Britain has never before in peace time had to face such a challenge: but face it we will. Our people are steadfast. It was from those very ports along the south coast that the armada of volunteers set out in 1940 to rescue our troops in France. Today, that Dunkirk spirit lives on…’”
 

Day 18

“Drinking water samples show higher than normal levels of radioactivity in Kent and as far as the Medway towns. Government advice is that the levels are still well below the safety threshold and it is safe to drink, but as a precaution recommend use of bottled water where possible.”

“The government has released strategic supplies of iodine tablets ‘as a precaution’ and these are being distributed to all doctors’ surgeries in the south east. This suggests that they believe another major explosion is likely from Dungeness. It seems the repair attempts have not succeeded…”

Day 19

“…In this store all supplies of bottled water were stripped from the shelves within minutes of opening. Some other produce has also been in short supply, and there were reports of panic buying as far afield as Brighton. The major supermarket chains are having to divert supplies from the north of England to London and the south east to make up for the loss of produce from Kent and Sussex. This is made worse by the problems with importing food from abroad.”
 

Day 28

“With nearly half a million people now evacuated from the 30km exclusion zone, the pressure on areas such as North Kent, West Sussex and even London has not eased at all over the last few weeks. Most of those evacuated are still in temporary accommodation, including the refugee village – they are avoiding the word ‘camp’ – at the Olympic Park in Stratford. Many others from parts of Kent and Sussex outside the exclusion zone have also decided to leave. Donna Hargreaves has been living since the evacuation in a commandeered static caravan with six other family members at Bexhill.”

“How long is this going to go on? No-one knows! We hear nothing except platitudes. Or lies. Is it even safe here? We are only 5 miles outside the zone! And now they are telling us not to drink the water? I mean, honestly.”

“I worked in the plant. We lived near the plant, with our kids all their lives. We was always told, it’s safe as houses, health and safety this and that, it couldn’t happen here. But now look at it. We’ll never see our homes again.”

Day 35

“On the other hand some people have returned, or never even left. This special report by Allan Little, who was allowed into the zone today with a TV crew, contains some distressing images of animals left to fend for themselves...”

“Pharmaceutical company Pfizer today announced it would be closing its site at Sandwich, Kent. Paul Mason reports on the dire economic prospects for the south east…”

“This announcement is a further blow to the region following the recent bankruptcy of several agricultural processing businesses in Ashford and East Sussex, the collapse of tourism here, and the closure of Hastings’ language schools. A senior manager at one of Kent’s major employers, well outside the official exclusion zone, admitted to me that their brand could be seriously damaged by continuing to manufacture or even research health products in the area. The whole region could be an economic desert for the forty years the exclusion zone is likely to remain in place. And even the official forty years figure is now being questioned.”

perfectly midde aged

this was not part of the literary challenge: it was written 

for a New Statesman competition – a poem but it also 

works as a short story complete in its own right

    It’s a joy to be totally healthy

As my laptop boots up on the train,

And to know that I’m really quite wealthy

With a house, plus a villa in Spain.

But this feeling of loss never goes now,

And this feeling as if I’m caged:

I suppose this must be what it feels like

To be perfectly middle-aged.

     Yes, my family’s perfectly darling,

And my friends influential and bright;

And I’ve switched to Rioja from Carling,

Yet I still wake up screaming each night.

And at work I am known and I’m rated,

And I win corp’rate battles waged,

And I dress in Paul Smith (understated)

Since I’m perfectly middle aged.

      And I’ve dabbled in shares and in stocks, mate

Because profit’s no longer a crime.

No, I don’t watch a lot on the box, mate -

Cos I really don’t have any time.

So I’ve started to listen to arias

And I went to that Damian Hirst cow.

Yes, I’m really now jumping the barriers

To be perfectly middle brow.

     Yes, I’m terribly cosseted, matey,

And my life is a little cocoon.

And I’ve noticed that sometimes, just lately

I start thinking: Please, Death, take me soon.

Where’s the passion, the joy, the exploring?

God - it’s years since I felt outraged!

Maybe that’s why it’s perfectly boring

To be perfectly middle aged.

the burn

We liked the burn. It was something different.

For a few wonderful minutes we would hear the engines pulse, the ship vibrate and the g force double as we accelerated once more. We liked the feeling: the Fathers said it was how it would be when we reach New Earth. It was a change from routine, and an exciting sensation. It was like a holiday: we would all jump up and down, feeling the pull back to the floor. We're burning! We're burning! They said this is how it had felt on the old world, and how it would be one day at the new one. And it meant we were pushing forward again. Closer.

But one burn time, when I woke up the next period, I found Con standing over me. He said, Otto, Otto, quick! Something is wrong. He almost dragged me out of my bunk. He was a weird kid at the best of times. He had found a way to view the Outside in the non-g section and was always up there staring at it. Most of us had looked once or twice but you soon got bored. Those stars: so many of them: but moving so slow. I can make patterns in them, Con would say. Look! Those three in a line. And those make a square. And slowly, slowly they change. You see that faint red one, next to the brightest one? Yesterday they were much closer together. Of course, I said. We're moving to New Earth. We're travelling. We've always been travelling. So what? They say it makes you go mad if you look Outside. Perhaps Con was a bit mad.

So this time, when he woke me, he dragged me up there again. I always feel queasy when I go no-g. And bash into things. So I went along but hoped to get back soon. Humouring him, like. Con, why don't we go and play a game? No, look, this is important. So I shrugged and said, what? He said, it's since we last burned. Look at the stars. I shrugged again. Same as ever. No – you see that patch there? Right there? That bright star right in front of it? Yesterday it was to the left of it. I don't get it, I said. We're travelling. Then I got it. You mean – before they were going to the left – now they're going to the right?

Yes, before it was a pleasure to burn. But now? Now, it was a bit scary. And they were much more frequent. Where it had been a pleasure to burn and to feel the strange g sensations, we were now worried. There were arguments. Not like the bad days, the war days – just words, but it put us all on edge. Some of us thought we were going backwards. Back to the old world. But that was dead. Con was convinced the whole ship had turned around. No longer accelerating, we were decelerating. The stars were going slower – he was sure of it. It made sense: but he couldn't tell us how the ship had done that. And wouldn't the Fathers tell us what was happening?

Then after a few days they did tell us. But what they said didn't make a lot of sense. The screens suddenly lit up and it was the same face we'd seen before, many times growing up, less often lately. And behind him other Fathers always seemed to be playing games on consoles. And there was a big window where you could see the big brown circle of the old world. It was brown because it was earth, like in the hydroponics fields. Con said it was a huge huge world, much much bigger than the ship, all covered in a hydroponics field. So I said, if it was, why was it dead and they had to leave? But he didn't know.

Attention travellers! Attention! Now the time you have been training for all your lives has come! You are the lucky generation that will reach your new home. Now for the first time, we can lower the shields and you can see it.

There was a strange noise, a noise we had never heard before. Like the slider doors but much much bigger. Then a blinding light. At first we were scared. We thought the ship was coming apart. But then we saw: the stars, like Con had shown me. You could see out of the ship, much bigger than Con's window. And there was a disc. Like the disc seen behind the Fathers, but blue and white.

Twenty ships of travellers set out to worlds like this, and yours will be one of the first to arrive. You are now two hundred and twenty light years from Earth. Soon the auto pilot will place the ship in orbit around Omicron Ceti's third planet. This is New Earth. The building pods will be launched and the first city on your new world will be built. Then the living quarters section will detach and descend to land beside it. The city will be your new home. You all have your designated jobs to do: engineers, agronomists, botanists, miners, constructors, medics, teachers, pilots. Everything you need is in this ship. It is our hope that the city will be the seed corn from which a whole new civilisation will grow. And one day you will be able to contact the travellers of the other ships. Out of the destruction of Old Earth will emerge a whole network of new worlds on which humanity can grow and thrive. We started this journey many generations ago and we are long gone: but we live on in you, our children. Our pride; our future. Long live the children of Earth! Get ready, pilots, for the first phase. In about two days the launch sequence for the building pods will start. Once you have established the best location for the city and landed, the pods will deploy rapidly so that the living section can descend. The auto pilot will do the rest.

The message ended; the screen went blank. Everyone was a bit shocked, silent. We all kept staring out of the new openings at the new world ahead of us, so bright. It was Con that spoke first. It's something to do with the edu screens, he said. He was almost the only one of us that had looked into the edu rooms. Like I said, he was weird. Most of us found it a bit scary down there. It was near the vac section, where all the bad stuff had happened. In the old days, said Con, they used those edu rooms. Some of those words the Father spoke, you could hear and see about them on the screens. What words? End-in-eers. Struct-ers. Medix. I heard them before. They is like games you play to make things happen. Then everyone was talking at once, trying to remember the Father's words. We're not gonna travel any more? What are pods? What are pilots? There's only one pilot and that's Otto Pilot (I was named after him) and he's not a person he's a part of the ship. But you could talk to him, so we decided to go and ask him for help. For some reason they thought me and Con should go, so we went up to the Pilot room.

• Otto Pilot? Can you hear me?
• Yes I can hear you.
• Where are we? Are we still travelling? Or going backwards?
• We are approximately 1.1 billion kilometers from Omicron Ceti and half a million kilometres from Omicron Ceti's third planet, our destination. We will reach orbit there in three days, nine hours. We are still travelling forwards and have completed approximately 99.9994% of the traverse.
• Where did we come from?
• From Earth.
• When did we set out?
• Approximately 402 years, 312 days and 7 hours ago.
• What happens when we get to that place?
• Which place?
• Our destio-nation? The new world? New Earth?

• The building pods will be deployed, a new temporary city will be constructed, and then a few days later the living section will be deployed. Refer to the engineering training modules for further information.
• Do we have to do anything to make that happen?
• The pilots will enter the pods and guide them to a suitable location to establish the city. The pods will then deploy the temporary city structures automatically.
• Who are the pilots?
• I do not have that information. Please consult the ship manifest computer which contains personnel records.
• How do we do that?
• I do not have that information.

We went to Creche to ask her. We loved Creche but she wasn't much help in things like this. She always gave us food and she showed us how to play games, but when we asked if she knew where the many-fast computer is, she said we must wait and ask our mummies and daddies when they came to collect us. This was always her answer when we asked anything new.

Even when we told her that they were in the vac section and could never come out, she always said, don't worry dearies, I'll look after you until they come for you.

So me and Con went to the Edu rooms. Con said there was a screen where you could ask questions. We went and asked it.

• Who are the pilots?
• You will have to consult the ship manifest computer.
• Where is that?
• You can access it through any edu screen.
• Can you open it for us?
• Please state your ID.
• What's an ID?
• ID is your name and personnel reference.
• My name is Con.
• Not recognised.
• My name is Otto.
• Not recognised.

Locka was always the cleverest and also one of the oldest. She could even kind of remember the bad times. At least she said she did. She said she remembered her mummy and daddy, and how she cried when they never came for her, like Creche promised. She was very sad sometimes because she remembered them. I didn't get sad because I didn't remember mine. She was the one that told us how it had been before. In the bad times, she saw people fighting. She remembered screaming. Something had gone wrong. She thought that before, you could go in the vac section: there was air in there. After, it was gone. And the mummies and daddies had all died in there. We were still very little and Creche had looked after us.

So, she said, we should have learned to play games like the mummies and daddies, like the Fathers: we should have been the pilots and the end-in-eers and the struct-ers. They didn't look like fun games, not like the games we liked. Our favourite was finding your way through the mountains game. Locka said it was like old Earth before it died: lots of plants like the hydroponics field but huge and colourful, and the floor was up and down all over the place not flat. The mountains were bigger than the ship! There was water like the pond in hydroponics but huge, so big you couldn't see the end of it, with waves on it as big as the ship and you could go on a board and ride the waves. It is called surfing and I was one of the best.

Con and me went back to the Edu room.

• How do you become a pilot?
• The first year training course consists of three modules. Do you wish to start the first module?

We looked at it but it was a boring game.

• How long does it take to become a pilot?
• Three years to graduation, if all stages are passed successfully.
• How long until the pods get launched?
• One day, fourteen hours.

We waited: the disc got bigger. Soon it filled the windows. It was like a floor under the ship.

Citizens of your new world! You are now in orbit around your new home. It is time to prepare for launch. Pilots, take your positions in the pods. Good luck with the construction of your new city, the seed corn for New Earth!

Some time later, there were strange noises from the vac section. Metallic bangs and crashes. Then the whole ship shook. We could see things moving out from the ship – big metal things, like other ships. They must be the pods. Perhaps they didn't need pilots after all! And smaller things: Con thought they must be the mummies and daddies, released from the vac section when the pods left.

Nothing happened for a few days after the pods disappeared. Then the disc below shifted. The ship shook. We all hung on as best we could as the gravity shifted around some. Then it settled down. The white markings on the world grew bigger and started rushing past, then we seemed to be in them: everything was white. Then we saw black jagged things in front of us. They're mountains, said Locka, like in that game we play. Mountains: but bigger, rougher, blacker.

Con was the first to spot the pods, a long way ahead. They were all mixed up with the mountains, they seemed to be mangled up and bashed to bits. Is that what deploy meant? Have they deployed the new city there? Con was excited: soon we will touch down, he said. The pods were getting closer and closer, faster and faster. Then we can leave the ship and start a new life in a new world, he said. Life is going to be so amazing, he said. When we touch down on New Earth.

lipo-damn!

this is part of a sequence of meta stories and should probably be read in this order:
1. anxiety dream (1June)
2. a cross tick (8 June)
3. life sentence (19 June)
4. lipo-damn!

'So how's it going,' said Fazackeley, as I sat down with him by the window of the OW, with my pint of IPA.

'It's going jolly well,' I said. 'On to challenge twenty-eight now.'

'Out of how many?'

'Two to follow then that's it. And this time – well, let's just say it's good I'm into IPA.'

'Well I thought you intended to be teetotal in June, on top of the – '

'That went out the window long ago. Day five I think. I'm just focussing on the challenge now – that's quite enough. And today's is especially difficult!'

'I've been looking at the blog. You've been busy! What is the theme today?'

'Complete a fiction without one specific element of the alphabet.'

'One of the twenty-six, you mean?'

'Yes.'

'O, you mean like that famous novel that didn't use any 'E's? What do they call it? A liposome?”

'No, that's not it. Lipo-something. I can't call it to mind at the moment.'

'And which one of the twenty-six have you chosen to omit?'

'The eighteenth.'

Fazackeley calculated. 'Ah I see. That's why you've been spelling my name like that!'

'Exactly.'

'And I see why it's a good job you like IPA then.'

'Yes, most of the hop-based libations contain the offending item.'

'Guinness would be OK.'

'I hoped you wouldn't notice the name spelling thing. I can't even use the full name of the pub.'

'I'm in the meta fiction, as you know, so I notice it all. But OW is fine – we do actually call it by its initials, instead of that Dublin aesthete's full name, which I see you couldn't use. And you invented me and my name so it's not an issue: spell it how you like.'

'I suppose so.' I took a good swig of my pint.

'No doubt the main thing about this lipo-thingy is to make it flow quite easily so that someone who didn't know wouldn't even notice.'

'Yes, that's exactly it. How am I doing up to now?'

'Lubbish!' He laughed. 'Just kidding!'

'That's legitimate,' I said. 'Imitating a music hall comedian's dummy.'

Just then Olga came past collecting glasses. 'Hello mate. Haven't seen you in all week. How's the genius doing? Is the challenge continuing?'

'Yes almost finished now. It's the whole month of June.'

'Good job it wasn't a month when shellfish is in season!' scoffed Fazackeley.

'Why's that?' she said.

'Because today he's attempting a text without the thing that those months have.'

'O I hope you've put us in it again! I liked the ones about us!' said Olga.

'So you've been looking at the blog too?' I said. What do you think?'

'A lot of them have been meta, haven't they? Which isn't to say that that's a bad thing –'

'Well you can't complain. You wouldn't exist if this wasn't meta fiction,' scoffed Fazackeley.

'Yes, I suppose so. And today's is the same again I suppose, given that I'm cleaning tables again.'

'Indeed.'

She leaned in close and spoke quietly: 'Can I just say something then? How come I'm always just cleaning tables? It's a bit sexist in this day and age isn't it?'

'O I hadn't thought of that. Do you think so? I mean it would be odd if the clientèle did the tables and the staff sat doing nothing. And it gives you a chance to chat with us.'

'Clientèle? So posh.'

'Well he can't say the usual name we'd use of people in a pub.'

'O wait a minute – shellfish months – can't say such and such – I think I'm getting it now. So why can't I just sit down today and tell you what I think of the ones you've penned up to now?'

'Well I suppose you can.'

“Bloody good idea, Olga', said my companion.

So she pulled out a seat. Fazackeley went to get us all a pint. 'I'll have an IPA then, I can't have my usual today', she called as he left, winking at him.

'Why not,' I asked.

'Because of this stupid theme of today. My tipple has the offending item in its name.'

'O I see what you mean. But don't call the theme stupid. It might offend the people who manage the challenge.'

'Well you invented me, didn't you? You put the thoughts in my head and make the sounds come out of my mouth. Don't put the blame on me.'

'Yes it's all my fault. This is when meta fiction gets complicated.'

'When we begin to take on a life that you hadn't intended. We can you know.'

Fazackeley came back with the IPAs.

'Who's taking on a life?'

'Us!' said Olga.

'It's all still in his head though, isn't it?'

'You bet, but he attempts to load the bad stuff onto us and wash his hands of it! “Don't call the theme stupid, people might be offended”!'

'He's good at that – offloading!' said Fazackeley.

'Go on then, keep it up,' I said, a little peeved. 'Take on a life that I didn't intend. Scoff all you want.'

'Yes, scoffing. We scoff at you all the time, all the way back to theme one. That's not a nice way to explain us to the audience.'

'Not nice at all. It just makes us look mean and you get all the sympathy. The sad put-upon guy.'

'Go on. Say what you like. It's fine as long as I get to the end of this piece within the guidelines.' I began to down my pint fast, hoping to get back home soon.

But Fazackeley came back at me. 'So go on then: you didn't explain today's theme fully. What was the subject? You said about the lipo-thing but not the main theme.'

'Lipo-thing?' said Olga, puzzled. 'What lipo-thing? Spell it out fully.'

'Don't ask – it will go badly if you do.'

'That's all they said: any subject,' I said to Fazackeley, slightly annoyed. 'Just the lipo-thing.'

'It's easy then', he scoffed.

'Easy is it? Why don't you have a go then?'

Olga wouldn't let it go: 'No, come on, what's this lipo-thing you keep going on about?'

'It's simple, Olga,' said Fazackeley. 'It means he can just put down any old thing as long as it doesn't use an R.'

'I know that but –'

'Ooops!'

'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!'

human beagle

the love of euphemisms

She's a bit special, you know. Differently-abled. We don't say, you know – well, you don't, do you – we don't say she's a bit mentally Kim-Jong Il. We don't call her a boobyhatch. Well, it's not nice is it? Yes, she's very special to us. She's challenged, you know. She likes a challenge, we say.

We don't say she likes Loony Tunes. Mind you, she does like the cartoons – she could watch them all day. It keeps her quiet. Mind you, we don't say she's lazy. A dosser. A slacker. No, she's just laid back. Whatever you do, don't call her CAT-atonic. My little joke!

We don't say she's lost her marbles you see. We say she plays with a different set. Yes, she's abled – we don't say diss – they're just different ables. Well we're all different if it comes to that.

We don't say she's on the spectrum. The rainbow, we call it. Our Rainbow Princess! She's over the rainbow, away with the fairies! She's gone down the yellow brick road. She's looking for the Emerald City. We don't say she's two biscuits short of a doggy bowl.

She used to bark like crazy, you know. But we didn't call her barking, if you get me. We didn't call her crazy neither. The doctor said it was normal. She was just a pup. Now she doesn't bother – silent as a little lamb. A little lambikins, aren't you sweety?

It's her age, you see. The doctor said it was her age. We don't mention it. Not when she's here. We don't call her a hag, or a crone. Or an old git. She's eighteen years young now, would you believe?

She has wonderful choppers, too. For her age. Her knashers, we call them. Her teefies – don't we darling? The doctor said they was marvellous for her age. It's just, you know, the dog breath? Well it's natural at her age.

Funny thing is, they sent me to the doctor's too. They said I had Anthropowhatsitcalled. Call it by its name, I said to them. Dog lover. What's wrong with that? They said I had a syndrome. They said I had a condition. They say I forget sometimes. They say she's not mental at all, she's a dog. Dogs are not human. I said, don't be so rude, not in front of her. We don't say mental. I said, I don't have a condition, I don't have a syndrome. And they gave it some fancy name. Anthropodoodah. Are you calling me mental, I said. O we don't use that word, they said. Quite right, I said. It's you that's mental! They didn't like that.

I told them. She understands you see, it's just that she's a bit, you know, like I said, on the rainbow and chooses not to speak. I had to explain 'on the rainbow'. But they won't have it. She is human, I said. More than human. 'The average dog is a nicer person than the average person', I said. It's a quote.

We don't call her a D-O-G. She doesn't like it. You can tell. 'The better I get to know people, the more I find myself loving dogs.' Do you know who said that? Charles de Gaulle, him what was President of France. I have these plaques at home, very nice, with all famous sayings about dogs. 'If you want a friend, get a dog'. 'You think dogs won't be in heaven? They'll be there before any of us.' Robert Louis Stevenson, that was. It tells you who said it on the plaques. I got them at Woolworths before they closed it.

We call her a human beagle, don't we, pet? Well, we don't call her a pet – just like, as a pet name, if you get me! She's part of the family. Human beagle: you know, like human being! She likes that. She's part beagle anyway. And part human.

And when she, you know – we don't say the D word – when she pops her clogs, when she's brown bread, we say – and when I go up to meet St Peter, she'll be there waiting. At the pearly gates, with her pearly teefies! Or maybe I'll be waiting for her: you never know, do you? I've left her the house, just in case.

Well, we can't stand talking all day can we? I've got to take her walkies. She used to run and play, couldn't wait to get out in the park. She's a bit more – we don't say lazy – laid back, we say. Did I say that already? Where is she now? Where is she? She needs her walkies. Hang on, this isn't my house. What am I doing here? Who are you? Why are you dressed like a nurse?