human beagle

the love of euphemisms

She's a bit special, you know. Differently-abled. We don't say, you know – well, you don't, do you – we don't say she's a bit mentally Kim-Jong Il. We don't call her a boobyhatch. Well, it's not nice is it? Yes, she's very special to us. She's challenged, you know. She likes a challenge, we say.

We don't say she likes Loony Tunes. Mind you, she does like the cartoons – she could watch them all day. It keeps her quiet. Mind you, we don't say she's lazy. A dosser. A slacker. No, she's just laid back. Whatever you do, don't call her CAT-atonic. My little joke!

We don't say she's lost her marbles you see. We say she plays with a different set. Yes, she's abled – we don't say diss – they're just different ables. Well we're all different if it comes to that.

We don't say she's on the spectrum. The rainbow, we call it. Our Rainbow Princess! She's over the rainbow, away with the fairies! She's gone down the yellow brick road. She's looking for the Emerald City. We don't say she's two biscuits short of a doggy bowl.

She used to bark like crazy, you know. But we didn't call her barking, if you get me. We didn't call her crazy neither. The doctor said it was normal. She was just a pup. Now she doesn't bother – silent as a little lamb. A little lambikins, aren't you sweety?

It's her age, you see. The doctor said it was her age. We don't mention it. Not when she's here. We don't call her a hag, or a crone. Or an old git. She's eighteen years young now, would you believe?

She has wonderful choppers, too. For her age. Her knashers, we call them. Her teefies – don't we darling? The doctor said they was marvellous for her age. It's just, you know, the dog breath? Well it's natural at her age.

Funny thing is, they sent me to the doctor's too. They said I had Anthropowhatsitcalled. Call it by its name, I said to them. Dog lover. What's wrong with that? They said I had a syndrome. They said I had a condition. They say I forget sometimes. They say she's not mental at all, she's a dog. Dogs are not human. I said, don't be so rude, not in front of her. We don't say mental. I said, I don't have a condition, I don't have a syndrome. And they gave it some fancy name. Anthropodoodah. Are you calling me mental, I said. O we don't use that word, they said. Quite right, I said. It's you that's mental! They didn't like that.

I told them. She understands you see, it's just that she's a bit, you know, like I said, on the rainbow and chooses not to speak. I had to explain 'on the rainbow'. But they won't have it. She is human, I said. More than human. 'The average dog is a nicer person than the average person', I said. It's a quote.

We don't call her a D-O-G. She doesn't like it. You can tell. 'The better I get to know people, the more I find myself loving dogs.' Do you know who said that? Charles de Gaulle, him what was President of France. I have these plaques at home, very nice, with all famous sayings about dogs. 'If you want a friend, get a dog'. 'You think dogs won't be in heaven? They'll be there before any of us.' Robert Louis Stevenson, that was. It tells you who said it on the plaques. I got them at Woolworths before they closed it.

We call her a human beagle, don't we, pet? Well, we don't call her a pet – just like, as a pet name, if you get me! She's part of the family. Human beagle: you know, like human being! She likes that. She's part beagle anyway. And part human.

And when she, you know – we don't say the D word – when she pops her clogs, when she's brown bread, we say – and when I go up to meet St Peter, she'll be there waiting. At the pearly gates, with her pearly teefies! Or maybe I'll be waiting for her: you never know, do you? I've left her the house, just in case.

Well, we can't stand talking all day can we? I've got to take her walkies. She used to run and play, couldn't wait to get out in the park. She's a bit more – we don't say lazy – laid back, we say. Did I say that already? Where is she now? Where is she? She needs her walkies. Hang on, this isn't my house. What am I doing here? Who are you? Why are you dressed like a nurse?