fields of night

 This was inspired by the appearance of Theresa May on Desert Island Discs when she was asked if she'd ever done anything naughty.  I wondered how she came up with that famous 'fields of wheat' line.

Oh dear, how on earth am I supposed to answer that?

So many bad things in my life, bad, bad, bad, but I'm not going to confess them to this woman. It all started because I was such a lonely child. I hated the other gals at school. I used to capture flies and pretend they were the bullies and pull their wings off and squish them.

Then I fell in with Sandra. She was a loner too: she said she was a witch. She'd seen me with the flies and thought I'd be an ideal companion for her secret rituals. She became my only friend: soon we were thick as thieves. We would search the fields for toadstools and dead frogs and make up magic potions together, then put them into the food of the other gals and giggle as they got sick.

I used to hate sitting through Papa's sermons after I became a witch. Sandra got me to silently say the Lord's prayer backwards, hoping he would be struck dumb. It didn't seem to work but it was fun and a distraction from the goody goody nonsense he was spouting.

Sandra and I used to sneak out at night and hold a witches' sabbath in the fields. We would get naked – sky clad she called it – and trample out a pentagram and chant mysterious words that she made up. She had some black candles. Then we would hold up these dolls we'd made of the bullies and stick pins in them, praying they would come to harm. Some of them really were sick and we truly believed it was our influence. What larks! All harmless fun really but it stuck with me somehow.

Much later, as an experiment, I made voodoo dolls of all the other candidates for leader and they did all somehow seem to melt away, leaving me the only one standing. So I thought maybe there is something in this. But I keep this sort of stuff very close to my chest. I'm a very private person. So many dark secrets, so many things to hide.

Of course I've done some other wicked things that no-one knows about. When I became PM I made that great speech about helping the 'just about managing'. Wasn't that a hoot! Of course I had my fingers crossed behind my back all the time.

Then when I realised Brexit was impossible, I deliberately tried to lose the election with all that death tax stuff. I wanted Labour to win so that they could make a mess of it. When that didn't work I tried to get the DUP to take the hit by talking up the problems with the Irish border. But that didn't work either. At least the voodoo doll thing seems to be working – the Corbyn doll is almost falling apart now.

So what am I going to say? Wait a minute – the sabbath thing – the fields, the fields! Of course!

“What was the question again, Julie?”

“I said, what's the naughtiest thing you did?”

“Well, nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they? I mean, you know, there are times, I have to confess, when me and my friend used to run through the fields of wheat. The farmers weren’t too pleased about that!”