fitting prize

This was a bit more problematic.  The challenge was to get a friend to choose a story then rewrite it.  I'm not sure this does that, but it puts it into a new context, also experimenting with the form of a short story.

The Stonybroke Residence. The Baron is unavailable to take your message at present. Please leave your message after the tone.

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Good afternoon, householder. Thank you for your entry into the Amazing Glass Slipper Competition. You have been specially selected to receive a visit by the Prince to see if the Slipper fits, subject to terms and conditions, which can be viewed on the Palace website. The winner will receive an amazing prize: a lifetime of luxury in the palace as the bride of the Prince himself. Please contact us on this number to confirm if you are eligible for this special prize, stating your shoe size.

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Thank you for calling. Unfortunately the stated shoe sizes did not match the prize winning size. We were looking for women’s shoe sizes by the way.

Are you sure there are no other daintier feet in the house?

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We apologise for our colleague’s remark about ladies’ show sizes and have logged your complaint. We do realize that women come in all shapes and sizes, some of them apparently more shapely than others.

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Message for Mr Buttons: Thank you for alerting us to the presence in your household of one with delicate feet. She does indeed sound like she is in the range we are looking for. And congratulations! We can now enter the second phase of the competition – a live fitting conducted in your very own home by HRH himself. Can you please confirm if the young lady in question will be available on Saturday next?

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Message for Baron Stonybroke: Thank you for your message. I think we may be talking at cross purposes here. We have indeed received some details from your daughters and they did not get through the first stage of the competition. Our message was directed at a Mr Buttons, of the same address I believe, who was able to give us details of a young lady who appears to meet the criteria for the next stage of the comp.

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Message for the Honorable Misses Esmeralda and Ermintrude Stonybroke: We have registered your complaint but I am afraid there is little we can do about it in the circumstances. The rules of the competitions were very clear and your foot sizes were nowhere near the range to go forward to the second stage. One of my colleagues has said that they are likewise nowhere near the range of ladies in polite society, but far be it from me to comment.

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Message for the Stonybroke family on behalf of the Prince’s Equerry-in-Waiting, Signor Dandini: He regrets that your threat to ‘take this further’ is likely to fall on deaf ears. He has raised the matter with His Royal Highness the Prince who felt sure you would not wish to be accused of lèse majesté and would drop the matter forthwith!

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This is just to confirm the appointment for this Saturday next at half-past three o’clock in the afternoon, when HRH has graciously agreed to undertake the fitting. It is kind of you to offer afternoon tea. I note that you continue to insist that the ‘gals’ as you call them should try the fitting as well as the lady in question, whom I understand is called Miss (not the Honorable Miss?) Cinderella, and this will be permitted despite its futility.

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Baron Stonybroke, I would refer you once again to the terms and conditions of the competition. You have no claim whatsoever against HRH for hospital expenses nor distress. The amputations undertaken by your daughters were entirely at their own initiative and against our specific advice, as they had already been disqualified from the competition. We permitted them to try the Slipper Test merely to demonstrate the aforementioned futility. HRH has asked me to express his surprise that you are not more pleased that your other daughter has won the competition – and such a charming and delightful daughter at that! HRH is considering whether OR NOT to invite you to the nuptial celebrations at the Palace. And indeed whether the Barony is held in appropriate hands.

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Thank you for your query, Baron Stonybroke, and HRH the Prince has asked me to express his gratitude for your change of heart in the matter of the wedding. It goes without saying that the father of the bride and the bride's sisters should be present, under all normal circumstances. It is his Royal pleasure to understand that any previous misunderstandings have been cleared up. Special access arrangements will be made for your two other disabled daughters.  Presents should be forwarded by myself, Signor Dandini.

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My dear Baron, If I have somehow offended you with my remarks about your wedding present, please understand that they may have been misheard. I believe my remarks were reported, possibly maliciously, as 'I'm not saying he's mean, but if the shoe fits...' What I actually said was 'I'm not saying he's mean. (by which I of course meant to imply, how generous). And how gratifying that the shoe fits.' The gift was certainly novel and I am sure Their Royal Highnesses' servants will have many hours of use from the coal scuttle and ash bin. We are so looking forward to receiving you at the Chapel Royal this coming Saturday week.

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End of final message